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Nurturing Secure Attachment in Singapore’s Children and Teens

If you’ve only got a minute:

Why Secure Attachment Matters: It helps children feel safe, confident, and resilient. Supports school success and strong relationships.
How to Build It:
- Babies (0-2): Cuddle, respond, talk, and play.
- Kids (2-12): Show love, listen, and spend quality time.
- Teens (12-18): Give space but stay connected and supportive.
Without It: Children may feel anxious, act out, or struggle with emotions and relationships even in adulthood.
How We Can Help: Parents, schools, and caregivers should focus on emotional connection and support for children.
Goal: Let’s raise confident, resilient children in Singapore! 😊

Did you know that the way you connect with your child today shapes their relationships for a lifetime? A strong parent-child bond is a key ingredient for your child’s success in school and life. Children with secure attachments to significant people in their lives (parents, teachers, caregivers, siblings) tend to thrive academically, build healthy adult relationships, and manage stress more effectively.

This article explores how to better nurture secure attachment with children and teens in Singapore, considering the unique challenges and joys of each developmental stage. We’ll provide practical tips for building a strong, loving bond with your child, from infancy (0-2 years) through adolescence (12-18 years).

What is Secure Attachment? It’s More Than Just Love

Nurturing a secure attachment goes beyond providing love and physical care. Children need a deep emotional connection to support healthy brain and nervous system development. This bond is built through consistent, responsive interactions and emotional communication, not just the quality of care or love provided.

Some parenting styles may emphasize practical caregiving as an expression of love more than emotional connection. For example, giving a child cut fruit when they return from school, instead of engaging them on how their day was, or giving them a heartfelt hug. This can be especially true during the teenage years, when children are often expected to be more independent. However, growing and maintaining an emotional connection is crucial, even as your child grows older.

If your child/ teenager feels that they can share their needs with an adult, especially a parent, it makes them feel understood, safe and regulated. This creates a virtuous cycle of security and regulation, where they are then more willing to communicate their needs and emotions to a trusted adult. On the other hand, if children/ teenagers experience criticism or distance, they may feel emotionally disconnected, confused, or insecure, even if they know in theory that they are loved.

“With a strong parent-child attachment, which is cultivated through spending time with the child and being responsive to their emotional needs, children are given a safe space to share their troubles… with a trusted adult. … allows children to feel secure enough to turn to parents in times of distress.”

Asst Prof Cheung Hoi Shan & Asst Prof Lee Jungup in CNA

Understanding Attachment Styles

British psychologist John Bowlby’s attachment theory from the 1950s explains that children have an innate need to form a close emotional bond with their primary caregivers. These early relationships shape our “attachment styles,” which influences how we interact with others throughout our lives. This short video explains how the quality of our attachment with our parents in childhood affects our emotional, social and even cognitive development through life.

Here’s a quick overview of the four attachment styles:

Secure Attachment: Children feel safe, trusted, and know their caregivers will respond to their needs. They are confident and can rely on others.
Avoidant Attachment: Children may avoid seeking support, appear withdrawn, and suppress their feelings due to inconsistent or unreliable caregiving.
Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment: Children may act needy or clingy due to unmet needs, have low self-esteem, and become overly dependent on others.
Disorganized Attachment: Children may feel unworthy of love due to ridicule or rejection, leading to fear, neglect, and sometimes mental health challenges. This style can often be linked to unresolved trauma in parents.

Childhood Secure Attachment — *Picture credit: Momentous Institute*

Nurturing Secure Attachment in Infancy

A secure attachment in early childhood is the foundation for learning and healthy emotional development. Secure children are more likely to explore their world and manage big emotions. In Singapore, families often have support from infant care, childcare, grandparents, or helpers. While this support is valuable, it’s essential to prioritize regular quality time and consistent emotional connection with your child. This is important for fathers as well.

In the first two years of life, babies learn whether the world is a safe and loving place. You can help your baby feel secure by responding to their cries, cuddling them, and making eye contact while talking or singing.

Babies don’t need perfect parents, just caregivers who are present and responsive. Holding your baby close, smiling at them, and gently rocking them when they are upset teaches them that they can trust you. Even simple things like talking to your baby while changing their diaper or playing peek-a-boo help them feel loved and connected.

The more a baby experiences warmth and comfort, the stronger their foundation for future emotional security.

Nurturing Secure Attachment in Early Childhood (2-6 years)

Do things WITH your child, not just FOR them.

Check out this infographic from Care Corner on nurturing secure connections in a loving environment for your little one. Providing for your child’s physical needs is essential, but playing, engaging, and encouraging self-expression within clear boundaries are also crucial for building attachment.

Pay attention to your own emotional state. If you often feel anxious or overwhelmed by your child’s emotions, take time to regulate yourself and find healthier ways to interact.

Show physical affection.

Affectionate physical contact, like holding or hugging your child, has been shown to make children happier, healthier and smarter. Studies have found that physical touch releases oxytocin, sometimes called the “love hormone,” which enhances bonding and reduces stress for both the parent and child. Regular affectionate touch also strengthens emotional security, improves resilience, and can even contribute to better cognitive development.

Preschools and other caregivers also play an important role.

Infantcarers and preschool teachers also play an important role in supporting children’s emotional development. Smaller class sizes and lower ratios in childcare centers can help infants/ toddlers to form more secure attachments too.

Nurturing Secure Attachment in Middle Childhood (6-12 years)

The primary school years in Singapore can be demanding, with a strong focus on academics. It’s important to remember that children still need emotional support and connection, even as they face increased academic pressure. Focusing too much on results over emotional well-being can harm attachment and self-worth. Resilience is a skill that needs to be nurtured, not something that children magically acquire.

Children from 6 to 12 years old still need to regulate their emotions together with a safe adult when stressed or overwhelmed (this is called co-regulation). The diagram below shows common ways in which children respond to stress.

Help your child process emotions, don’t suppress them.

Teach your child healthy ways to express their emotions. If they had a difficult day at school, help them process their feelings instead of shaming them for their behavior. Be aware of “fawning,” where children try to please others to avoid conflict, as this can also be a sign of insecure attachment.

In Singapore, parents often feel that their child acts differently around Primary 5 or 6. This is when academic pressure tends to peak. PSLE also takes place at a time when our children are already dealing with big changes to their bodies and psychology due to puberty. It is indeed a challenging time for children.

Children with secure attachment are usually better able to handle the high academic expectations in Singapore, because they can express and process their emotions at home, and better manage stress and anxiety at school.

However, children with insecure attachment do not have the resilience to cope with high expectations for academics and behaviour at this stage. They may experience “after-school restraint collapse” – meltdowns at home after holding it together all day at school. Remember that insecure attachment is a lot more prevalent than we think, and can even impact those from ‘stable homes’ or well-off families.

Reflect on your own emotions and triggers.

Secure attachment comes from responsive parenting – welcoming all your child’s emotions without the instinct (usually inherited from our own parents) to stop your child from being upset or angry. If your child’s behaviour triggers you, consider learning how to process your own emotions and triggers.

Continue to bond through quality time.

Make time for fun and meaningful activities together, such as outdoor adventures or board games (here are some ideas from HealthHub.sg). This will strengthen your bond and help prepare your child for the changes of puberty and adolescence.

Continue to show physical affection.

Simple gestures such as holding hands, gentle back rubs, or warm embraces provide comfort and reinforce a child’s sense of safety. Importantly, as children grow older, parents can adjust the form of physical affection based on their child’s comfort level—some may prefer a pat on the back or a playful nudge instead of hugs. Regardless of age, consistent physical affection communicates unconditional love and security.

Avoid physical discipline.

Physical discipline can damage your child’s self-image and create emotional distance. It does not teach them right from wrong effectively, and harms the parent-child relationship. Here are some other ideas for ways to enforce discipline while remaining warm and responsive.

Schools and teachers play an important role too.

The role of primary school teachers is also important, as children need adults who can take time to talk them through changes, and allow them to process their emotions. Smaller class sizes and a reduction in curriculum demands would allow primary school teachers more time to show such care to their young students.

Nurturing Secure Attachment in Adolescence (12-18 years)

Adolescence is a time of significant change. In Singapore, teens face both the typical challenges of growing up and the added pressure of academic achievement.

Understand what your teen is going through.

The diagram below shows the three phases of brain development in adolescence. To nurture and maintain a secure attachment with your child, it is important to understand what your child is facing in their teenage years (here is a resource by TOUCH Parenting). Avoid assuming that they are acting out for no reason. Instead, listen and empathise with your teen’s experiences.

*Picture credit: TOUCH Community Services*

Give your child room to grow with guidance and supervision.

As your teen transits to secondary school, give them more space to make their own decisions, but also set clear boundaries and expectations around e.g. setting limits for screen time, spending their allowance, and socialising with friends. (More guidance on this transition from TOUCH Parenting.) Help them develop time management skills and self-discipline.

Maintain strong ‘offline’ connections.

Excessive screen time, both for children and parents, can disrupt attachment. Prioritize mindful interactions over passive digital entertainment. Teens may seek validation online when they don’t feel emotionally connected at home. Maintain strong offline connections through shared activities and open conversations.

Know where to look for support.

Be aware of the signs of mental health challenges, which can be more common in teens with insecure attachment. Family transitions like divorce or separation can also make parenting challenging. Continue to nurture your bonds with your child by being available and supportive. Your own emotional struggles or mental/ physical health can also impact your relationship with your child. Seek professional help and support if you are worried or feel unsure.

Identifying Behaviors coming from Insecure Attachment/ Attachment Disorders

OOlder children with insecure attachment may exhibit behaviour and emotional problems, such as anxiety, difficulty managing stress, bullying, and relationship issues. Here are some possible signs:

Anxious/Ambivalent Attachment: May appear ‘naughty’ or ‘attention-seeking’, struggle with tests due to anxiety, and seek to please others instead of pursuing their own interests.
Avoidant Attachment: May appear withdrawn, ‘cool’, and detached, avoiding deep connections and suppressing their feelings (e.g. a ‘whatever lah’ attitude).
Disorganized Attachment: May have sudden outbursts or periods of withdrawal, be academically successful but emotionally volatile, and struggle with mental health.

When children lack stable attachments in their early years, they can develop Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD), a rare but serious condition. Children with RAD need specialized support. (More info on RAD from Mayo Clinic and Cleveland Clinic.) Those with RAD may lie or steal, often confusing caregivers, and need empathy, structure, and consistent care.

Strengthening Institutional Support

Better support for Educators & Caregivers.

Preschools, schools, student care centers and institutional children’s homes can be better resourced and supported to use attachment-based approaches, through articulating guidelines, growing awareness, providing training, and reviewing staffing ratios.

Better support for working parents.

More generous parental leave policies and flexi-work availability can help working parents to form stronger bonds with their children in the early years.

Better support for foster parenting.

While child-centric policies exist, institutional children’s homes in Singapore often lack consistent caregivers, leaving secure attachment to chance. Stronger encouragement of foster care over institutional care could provide vulnerable children with stronger, long-term attachments.

In Singapore, as in other countries, some foster parents may feel ill-equipped to support children with complex needs, such as insecure attachment. More specialized training could help foster parents create stable environments and reduce placement failures (when foster parents feel they are no longer able to support a foster child), which further traumatize foster children.

Foster parents also need better mental health support. However, if they seek therapy through public healthcare, they risk being deemed unfit to foster. Without adequate support, they may give up fostering, further destabilizing the child. Strengthening trauma-informed training and mental health resources for foster parents is crucial to helping at-risk children develop secure attachments.

In conclusion

Secure attachment is one of the most important foundations for a child’s lifelong well-being. By making small but intentional efforts to emotionally connect with our children, understanding their emotional needs, and advocating for better systemic support, we can foster resilience and emotional health in Singapore’s next generation.

Further Reading

Recommended Books

The Whole-Brain Child, by Daniel Siegel
The Power of Showing Up, by Daniel Siegel
Raising a Secure Child, by Glen Cooper, Kent Hoffman, and Bert Powell

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