Article based on the work of Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D, Lynn Lott, LMFT, et.al.

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If you’ve only got a minute:

• ‘Discipline’ comes from the word for ‘Teaching’, Not ‘Punishment’ – Should help children learn, not just obey.
• Balance Kindness and Firmness – Show love while setting clear boundaries.
• Long-Term Growth Over Quick Fixes – Teach self-control and problem-solving, not just stop bad behaviour.
• Connection Before Correction – Build trust and connection first, for more effective discipline.
• Practical Tools – Offer choices, hold family/ class meetings, focus on solutions, help children learn responsibility.
• Better for Parents, Teachers & Children – Creates a more peaceful home/ school environment, improves behaviour, strengthens adult-child relationships.

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What is Positive Discipline?

While the word ‘discipline’ is often associated with punishment, it comes from the Latin word ‘disciplina’, meaning ‘instruction and training’, and is derived from the root word ‘discere’ – ‘to learn’.

Positive Discipline is a respectful way to guide children without using fear, shame, or punishment. Instead, it focuses on connection, problem-solving, and teaching essential life skills. This approach helps children develop responsibility, emotional regulation, and self-discipline while strengthening parent-child and teacher-student relationships.

Understanding Positive Discipline

Positive Discipline is based on research in psychology and child development. It moves away from punishment and conditional rewards, focusing instead on respectful, encouraging and practical teaching methods that nurture a child’s sense of belonging and significance.

Traditional discipline in Singapore and many Asian cultures has often relied on corporal punishment or authoritarian approaches. While this may produce immediate compliance, research – including a study by the Singapore Children’s Society and Yale-NUS College (2022) – shows that physical discipline leads to more aggression and emotional struggles in children rather than fostering long-term self-control.

Positive Discipline, therefore, focuses on teaching and modeling the skills and values we hope children will develop, rather than enforcing compliance through punitive measures.  It encourages parents to model and teach through everyday interactions, transforming discipline into a continuous growth process for families.

How to Apply Positive Discipline

1) Ask Yourself These 5 Questions Before Disciplining

Before reacting to misbehavior, consider these key questions to ensure your response aligns with Positive Discipline principles:

1. Is it kind and firm at the same time?
   1. Kindness acknowledges the child’s feelings and builds connection.
   1. Firmness sets clear expectations and maintains boundaries.
   1. Example: Instead of yelling, “Go to your room now!”, say, “I understand you’re upset. Let’s take a break and talk about it in 10 minutes.”

• Does it help my child feel they belong and are significant?
  • Children do better and are more cooperative when they feel important and valued at home or in school.
  • Example: Involve your child in decision-making instead of just issuing orders.

• Is it effective in the long term?
  • Punishment might stop bad behavior now, but what lesson is your child learning?
  • Example: Instead of punishing a child for forgetting their homework, discuss strategies to help them remember next time.

• Does it teach important life skills?
  • Discipline should help children learn respect, problem-solving, and emotional regulation.
  • Example: Family meetings teach cooperation and responsibility while solving household conflicts together.

• Does it help my child discover how capable they are?
  • Positive Discipline encourages children to take responsibility and learn from mistakes rather than fear punishment.
  • Example: If a child spills something, guide them to clean it up instead of scolding them.

2) Positive Discipline Tools for Home and Schools

Here are some key tools:

For Parents:

• Instead of controlling, guide children to make responsible choices.
• Avoid yelling and spanking, these do not teach self-discipline.
• Stay consistent in being kind and firm, solution-focused, and maintaining connection with your child, for more lasting results.

For Educators:

• Create a classroom environment where respect, empathy, and responsibility are valued.
• Use class meetings to resolve conflicts and teach social-emotional skills.
• Shift from punishment to collaborative problem-solving.

Explore classroom strategies for teachers.

There are many tools for Positive Discipline, here are a few more examples:

1. Connection Before Correction

• Children are more willing to listen when they feel heard and valued.
• How to apply:
  • Validate their emotions: “I see that you’re frustrated.”
  • Offer empathy before correcting: “I understand this is hard. Let’s work on it together.”
• Why it works: Connection builds trust, making children more cooperative.

2. Limited Choices

• Instead of just saying “no”, offer some limited choices. These should work for the situation and be acceptable to you, while also honouring your child’s need for autonomy.
• How to apply:
  • “Would you like to brush your teeth now or in five minutes?”
  • “Do you want to wear the blue or red shirt?”
  • Why it works: Children feel more in control, reducing power struggles.

3. Family & Class Meetings

Learn how to implement Family Meetings effectively.

A structured way for children to voice concerns, solve problems, and build teamwork.

• How to apply:
  • Set a weekly meeting time.
  • Discuss concerns, solutions, and appreciation for each other.
  • Brainstorm solutions together for ongoing issues.
• Why it works: Children feel respected and included, which improves cooperation and responsibility.
• Learn how to implement Family Meetings effectively.

4. Focus on Solutions Instead of Punishment

• Shift from blame to problem-solving.
• Solutions must be respectful, related, reasonable, and helpful.
• How to apply:
  • Instead of “You always forget your school bag!”, say, “Let’s figure out a way to help you remember.”
  • Guide children to make amends: “How can we fix this mistake together?”
• Why it works: Holds children accountable for their actions, but without creating fear or shame.

3) Mistakes are Great Opportunities to Learn

It is okay to make mistakes. Adults make mistakes too, and sometimes you have to try different tools with your child to see what works for them. That’s why there are 52 tools for you to choose from!

Why Positive Discipline Works

Studies show that Positive Discipline benefits both children and adults by:

• Reducing defiance, aggression, and power struggles.
• Strengthening parent-child and teacher-student relationships.
• Teaching long-term skills like resilience, responsibility, and self-control.

Unlike traditional authoritarian methods, Positive Discipline builds children’s internal motivation to do better, rather than relying on fear of punishment.

Conclusion: A Better Way to Raise and Teach Children

Positive Discipline offers a respectful and effective way to guide children’s behavior. By balancing kindness and firmness, using practical tools like connection before correction, and focusing on solutions, parents and educators in Singapore can create a supportive environment where children thrive.

Shifting away from harsh discipline takes time, but the long-term benefits—stronger relationships, responsible behavior, and emotional well-being—make it worthwhile. Together, we can raise confident, capable, and compassionate children.

Further Resources

Follow Positive Discipline Singapore on IG / FB
More about Positive Discipline
Explore the 52 Positive Discipline Tools
https://www.positivediscipline.org/success-school-begins-at-home/

Sophia Klopp is a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator, co-founder of Positive Discipline Singapore, and co-director of Chapter Zero. A mom of three, Sophia is dedicated to empowering parents, caregivers, and educators through workshops and webinars, offering practical strategies rooted in Positive Discipline, Mindful Communication, and Nonviolent Communication to foster authentic connections with children. Follow her journey on IG and FB @positivedisciplinesg and @betheircalm.