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Respectful Parenting in Singapore: Accepting Our Children and Their Unique Needs

If you’ve only got a minute:

Respectful Parenting means treating children with kindness and respect while setting clear rules.
It’s Not About Giving In! Kids still need boundaries, just with understanding.
Better Than Strict or Permissive Parenting – it balances guidance with respect.
Science Says It Works! Helps children learn self-control, problem-solving, and confidence.
Fits Asian Values – encourages family harmony and mutual respect.
Simple Tips: Use kind words, give choices, and adjust as children grow.
Big Wins: Raises happy, confident, and resilient children.

What is Respectful Parenting?

Respectful parenting, along with parenting styles such as gentle parenting, positive parenting, peaceful parenting, and conscious parenting, has been gaining traction due to its focus on strengthening the parent-child connection and enhancing children’s social-emotional development.

In this article, we explore respectful parenting in the Singaporean context, focusing on children aged 6 to 11. We define respectful parenting, address common myths, discuss the neuroscience behind it, and provide practical ways for parents to apply this approach in their daily lives.

Defining Respectful Parenting

Respectful parenting is about treating children as individuals with valid emotions, needs, and thoughts—just as we would treat any other person. It does not mean giving in to children’s demands but rather creating an environment where they feel seen, heard, and accepted, while still receiving guidance and boundaries from parents.

A respectful parent acts as an authority figure, but one who guides rather than controls, ensuring children develop autonomy, responsibility, and confidence. This contrasts with mainstream parenting, where parents often expect unquestioning obedience, unintentionally placing unrealistic expectations on children to be moulded or tamed rather than accepted as individuals.

Since many of us were raised in more traditional parenting environments, embracing respectful parenting requires unlearning past beliefs and adopting a more mindful, intentional approach to raising children, still aligned with our Asian family values.

Respectful parenting chart by Seed and Sew — *Photo credit: Seed and Sew Instagram*

Common Myths About Respectful Parenting

Many parents hesitate to adopt respectful parenting due to misconceptions about what it entails. Let’s address some of these myths:

🛑 Myth: Respectful parenting means giving in to children’s demands.
✅ Reality: Respectful parenting sets clear boundaries while also acknowledging children’s emotions. Instead of saying, “Stop crying, you’re being dramatic,” a respectful parent might say, “I see that you’re upset because you wanted more playtime. I understand, but it’s time to leave. Let’s plan extra playtime tomorrow.”

🛑 Myth: Respectful parenting means no consequences for misbehavior.
✅ Reality: Respectful parenting focuses on natural consequences rather than punishment. For example, instead of forcing a child to wear a jacket, a parent might say, “It’s chilly outside. You can try going without a jacket for a minute and decide if you need it.” This helps children connect actions to outcomes naturally.

🛑 Myth: Respectful parenting is a Western concept and doesn’t fit Asian traditions.
✅ Reality: Traditional Asian values emphasize family harmony and mutual respect—core principles of respectful parenting. Confucian teachings highlight the importance of guidance and benevolence rather than harsh control. Instead of viewing respect as one-directional only (child to parent), respectful parenting encourages mutual respect, strengthening family bonds.

Respectful Parenting vs Other Parenting Styles

Developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind identified four main parenting styles in the 1960s: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and neglectful. A fourth style, the neglectful parenting style was added later by other researchers. The diagram below outlines each parenting style.

Respectful parenting shares similarities with authoritative parenting but emphasizes emotional validation and collaboration. The respectful parent seeks to understand the child’s reluctance while maintaining clear expectations and boundaries appropriate for their age.

To show how respectful parenting differs from three of these main parenting styles, let’s use the scenario of a child refusing to put their shoes on:

Authoritarian Parenting style. E.g. “Put on your shoes now, or I’m not taking you to the playground!”
The authoritarian parent is strict, setting rigid rules and high expectations for the child. Punishment often follows fast. When a child refuses to put on their shoes, the authoritarian parent may react without realising that the child might have a blister. Or the authoritarian parent might expect the child to put on their shoes even though they are too young to do so independently.
Authoritative Parenting Style. E.g. “You’ll see why shoes are important when your feet hurt later.”
Authoritative parents offer guidance with some freedom for the child to make their own decisions and learn from mistakes. The authoritative parent may let the child go without shoes, until the child realises why putting on shoes is important.

Permissive Parenting Style. E.g. “You don’t want to wear shoes? Okay, that’s fine.”
A permissive parent has very few limits for the child, and acts like a friend to their child, giving in to most of what the child wants. When a child refuses to put on shoes, the permissive parent would just give in to the child’s demand.

Respectful Parenting Style. E.g. “I see you don’t want to wear shoes. What’s bothering you? Let’s find a solution together.”
A respectful parent seeks to understand what the child needs, while maintaining clearly communicated expectations and boundaries appropriate for the child’s age. (Here is an example of developmental milestones parents can expect for 6 year olds.)

The respectful parent tries to see why the child is unwilling to put on their shoes, e.g. the shoes may be uncomfortable. They then work with the child to agree on what is acceptable, e.g. the child could be allowed to be barefoot, until he needs to alight from the car to walk on the road or pavement.

The Neuroscience of Respectful Parenting

Science strongly supports respectful parenting as the best approach for healthy brain development.

🧠 Children’s Brains Are Still Developing. The prefrontal cortex (responsible for self-control, decision-making, and emotional regulation) does not fully mature until the mid-20s. This means children struggle with impulse control and big emotions. Instead of punishing emotional outbursts, parents can recognize them as signs of brain development in progress.

🔬 Co-Regulation Builds Emotional Intelligence. When children experience stress or frustration, they need co-regulation – a calm, supportive presence – to help them learn self-regulation. Harsh discipline increases stress hormones (cortisol), which can lead to anxiety, aggression, or low self-esteem.

📉 Punishment vs. Natural Consequences. Research shows harsh discipline does not build long-term behavioral regulation. Instead, using natural and logical consequences helps children develop problem-solving skills.

Respectful Parenting in Singapore’s context

In Singapore, values like respecting elders and traditions are deeply ingrained in family life. These values are reflected in how we address older relatives, greet elders, and follow long-standing customs. On the surface, this might suggest that children should always obey authority figures without question. However, these traditions were originally about building strong family connections and fostering a sense of responsibility, not blind obedience.

Some parents may worry that respectful parenting – listening to children and being gentle with them – goes against traditional values. But respectful parenting does not mean allowing children to do whatever they want. It simply means seeing each child as a unique individual, understanding their emotions, and guiding them as they learn about the world.

For Asian parents, respectful parenting helps us become more aware of how our words and actions impact our children’s mental health and emotional well-being. It encourages open communication, setting realistic expectations, and allowing children to develop independence while feeling safe and valued. Strict, authoritarian parenting may lead to stress, communication breakdown, low self-esteem, and resentment. While some stress can help children develop resilience, too much pressure can harm their confidence and create negative beliefs about themselves.

Support Your Child’s Learning with Respectful Parenting

Respectful parenting helps children become lifelong learners by fostering a growth mindset – the belief that abilities improve with effort. Instead of praising children for being “smart,” we can encourage effort by saying, “I’m so proud of how hard you’re trying,” to help them develop perseverance.

When children feel emotionally safe and are allowed to make age-appropriate choices, they develop stronger communication skills, higher self-esteem, and better problem-solving abilities. These 21st century skills prepare them to thrive as adults in an uncertain world.

Practical Strategies for Respectful Parenting

*Photo credit: Strategic Parenting Facebook*

📜 Using Scripts for Common Situations

Instead of “Because I said so!” → “I hear you. Here’s why this rule is important.”
Instead of “Don’t be scared,” → “It’s okay to feel scared. I’m here with you.”

🛠️ Everyday Parenting Tools

Emotion charts: Help children name and process their feelings.
Choice boards: Offer structured options (e.g., “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after a story?”)
Collaborative problem-solving: “How can we solve this together?”

As children grow, their needs change.

For ages 6-8, children want to be accepted by their peers. Ask about their school life and friends, encourage responsibility through chores, and set clear rules for screen time and bedtime. Discipline should guide, not punish.
For ages 9-11, children develop a sense of responsibility and moral reasoning. Talk with them about peer pressure and decision-making. Get to know their friends and families, discuss money habits, and help them set personal goals.

When parents and children build problem-solving skills together from a young age, children feel comfortable seeking guidance from their parents well into their teens and adulthood.

By embracing respectful parenting, we raise confident, emotionally intelligent children who are prepared for life’s challenges.

Singapore Resources

If you are interested in joining the local respectful parenting community through events and workshops, be sure to check out Chapter Zero / IG / FB. You can join their free online community at Respectful/ Mindful Parenting Singapore Facebook.

Further Reading

Recommended books + Quotes

“We often try to control our children’s feelings and behaviour when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behaviour.”

– Dan Siegel, Parenting from the Inside Out

“When people become parents, something unfortunate happens. They earnestly try to behave in certain ways because they think that is how parents should behave. Forgetting the reality of their humanness.”

– Dr Gordon Thomas, Parent Effectiveness Training

“When children feel safe and supported, learning takes care of itself.”

– Kent Hoffman, Raising a Secure Child: Circle of Security

About the author

Joline Lim shares her perspectives as a community leader and parent coach who has supported Singaporean families from all walks of life. She is connected to parenting coaches and specialists, and has benefited from the practice of respectful parenting in her own personal parenting journey over the past 6 years.

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